i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
