I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
