when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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