i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
