He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
