this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize