no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
