Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize