I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
