Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
