The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
