seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
