We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
