I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
