worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
