genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
