9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I love having hate sex.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
