Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
