The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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