Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
