I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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