I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
