and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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