i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Text me some of your sweat
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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