dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
