Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
