allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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