So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize