i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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