my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i think my cat just said my name.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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