You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
