I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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