Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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