At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
