I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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