He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
