Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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