Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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