Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
