Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
