i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
vagina is talking i cant
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize