Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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