i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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