So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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