i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
