i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
