Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
