i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
