Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
