Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
