Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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