Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
