non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
