well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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