we have pet lesbian snakes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
