no, he came in my armpit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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