Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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