woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
