yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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