life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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