so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
