My friends, they love my intelligence
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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