dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
